Well, here it is. All... of me. My friend and I had this idea that by doing this, it would bring some closure into my life. Closure I so desperately need. I don't expect anyone to read this.. it's more for myself. But, this is my story. Everything I remember of it, nothing is made up or created. I'll write it in separate entries to space it out. Here goes nothing..

Rewind 13 years. 
Setting is your bedroom.

"Take off all of your clothes," he says to me.
"No." I reply, firmly. Why would he ask me such an odd question?
"If you don't, I'll tell your parents you smacked me and you'll get in big trouble."

I comply. I cry, but he doesn't care. My parents get so mad at me.. so disappointed. They yell at me, take things away from me, etc to try and get me to behave. Not understanding my actions or what is happening, I do what he says in fear of getting in trouble. 

Everything else is a blur, and I couldn't tell you exactly what happened because I don't remember. Or maybe, I remember... but it's too painful to share.


Fast forward 7 years.
Middle school.

We are on vacation with both of our families in Outer Banks, North Carolina. The house is so large I have my own bedroom, bathroom, and living room. 

"Can we have a sleepover in your room?" he asks me.
"No," I reply.
"Why not?"
"Sleep in your own room. I didn't ask for visitors."
"You are such a bitch."


I do not enjoy sleepovers. Especially with the opposite sex. Especially with you.


It is nighttime and I am sleeping.
I awake to find you next to me in MY bed.
To find your hands slip under my shirt and around my breasts.
I am so in shock, I cannot move. Cannot speak. My entire body is paralyzed.
Your hands find themselves down my underwear.


I hysterically cry. Why are you doing this?


"Stop," I beg.
No answer.
So I try to tear your hands away.
You respond with, "I will choke you."
I'm afraid of you and what you would do to me. You are much stronger than me, you know.
You take my hand and put it on your privates. Too much.
I run out of bed and into the night and decide to take a short walk around the neighborhood alone. Eventually, I figure it's safe to go back to bed (and it was.)
Morning comes, and it's like nothing ever happened. Except you walk past me and say, "If you tell anyone, I'll tell everyone you touched me." If people in middle school thought I attempted to have sexual relations with my cousin... I don't even know the torture I would endure.


Listen:
The abuse and the threats do not end here.
And neither does my story.




Next time I feel like getting depressed and bringing up old memories I will write something.