Well, here it is. All... of me. My friend and I had this idea that by doing this, it would bring some closure into my life. Closure I so desperately need. I don't expect anyone to read this.. it's more for myself. But, this is my story. Everything I remember of it, nothing is made up or created. I'll write it in separate entries to space it out. Here goes nothing..

Rewind 13 years. 
Setting is your bedroom.

"Take off all of your clothes," he says to me.
"No." I reply, firmly. Why would he ask me such an odd question?
"If you don't, I'll tell your parents you smacked me and you'll get in big trouble."

I comply. I cry, but he doesn't care. My parents get so mad at me.. so disappointed. They yell at me, take things away from me, etc to try and get me to behave. Not understanding my actions or what is happening, I do what he says in fear of getting in trouble. 

Everything else is a blur, and I couldn't tell you exactly what happened because I don't remember. Or maybe, I remember... but it's too painful to share.


Fast forward 7 years.
Middle school.

We are on vacation with both of our families in Outer Banks, North Carolina. The house is so large I have my own bedroom, bathroom, and living room. 

"Can we have a sleepover in your room?" he asks me.
"No," I reply.
"Why not?"
"Sleep in your own room. I didn't ask for visitors."
"You are such a bitch."


I do not enjoy sleepovers. Especially with the opposite sex. Especially with you.


It is nighttime and I am sleeping.
I awake to find you next to me in MY bed.
To find your hands slip under my shirt and around my breasts.
I am so in shock, I cannot move. Cannot speak. My entire body is paralyzed.
Your hands find themselves down my underwear.


I hysterically cry. Why are you doing this?


"Stop," I beg.
No answer.
So I try to tear your hands away.
You respond with, "I will choke you."
I'm afraid of you and what you would do to me. You are much stronger than me, you know.
You take my hand and put it on your privates. Too much.
I run out of bed and into the night and decide to take a short walk around the neighborhood alone. Eventually, I figure it's safe to go back to bed (and it was.)
Morning comes, and it's like nothing ever happened. Except you walk past me and say, "If you tell anyone, I'll tell everyone you touched me." If people in middle school thought I attempted to have sexual relations with my cousin... I don't even know the torture I would endure.


Listen:
The abuse and the threats do not end here.
And neither does my story.




Next time I feel like getting depressed and bringing up old memories I will write something.
 

wellllll it's been a while since i wrote but i have trouble collecting my thoughts amongst other things that have priority over this.
so maybe i'll just write something to clear my head.


everytime i bring up going across country for college, my parents always ask me "why?" and i just say "i don't know"
and make up some bullshit excuse. i could never honestly say this, but it's to get away. if i told them this, they would think i was insane or something. do not want.


i feel like i'm healthy and young and spontaneous and ambitious and i should embrace it now and if there is ever a time to just go across country and forget everything i've ever known and leave behind my previous life, the time is now. there are so many experiences in life you can obtain by launching yourself onto every wave, and limiting myself geographically is limiting my imagination. i believe a fresh start is such a nice thing. 

you will never fully understand life until you're willing to let go and just live. embrace independence and the new experiences. this is what i seek to do. i am very aware i am leaving behind my support system and pretty much all of my family and friends; however, i believe it'll be worth it in the end. i just wish to travel as i please and not be held down by people or money or anything of the sort. just me and the world and nothing else, that's all i want.

you've left a hole when you walked out

i'm falling through the doors of the emergency room
can anybody help me with these exit wounds?
i don't know how much more love this heart can lose
and i'm dying

i'm sorry that i hurt you. and it's been way too long without you. and nobody will ever measure.
i know it's been a very long time since we last talked but i hope you think of me from time to time.
time goes on i guess and we have to move on eventually, but you know that i'd always welcome you back with open arms.



if it's the fighting you remember, or the little things you miss
i know you're out there somewhere so just remember this.

~

Well I made this so I wouldn't be all whiny and emo and shit like on Tumblr, but I really haven't had much to say because my mind is fogged up and a lot of stuff has been happening and I feel VERY overwhelmed. I do not know why I have not had a mental breakdown or something. RL or online, there's just exorbitant amounts of stress and really that's the last thing I need with my permanent state of mind. Lately it's just been so hard to remain stable and sane and I really don't want to slip back into old habits and mindsets and slip back into a deep depression.

It's kind of weird, but I sort of miss when I was at rock bottom with my depression. At least it was familiar, no surprises. I knew where I was and that I wasn't getting out, and my moods didn't fluctuate so I didn't have false hopes and expectations. I feel half numb, half depressed. I feel some happiness but it does seem to leave quickly when reality strikes. I have to learn to stop letting insignificant things get to me. Even significant things get me worked up.

I wish I could just live by the sun and moon and follow my dreams and be surrounded by love and happiness and not have these scary bad thoughts. What I go through is scary, it really is.

:)

Nothing is worse than feeling like you're going to burst because you have to tell someone something, but you know you can't.


But whatever, that is irrelevant.


I am probably going skiing tomorrow if everything works out. :)

 
Nothing is more liberating than going flying down a mountain and off of hills and such and yeah. <3

~

 I just started this because I figured I needed an outlet for my emotions and thoughts and such. Tumblr isn't quite as satisfying, so hopefully this turns out to be something I use quite frequently, if not for other people, but myself. 

So far, I'm pretty happy with my classes. Heather and Jairus are in my regular gym class which is pretty exciting considering I was nervous I wouldn't know anyone. I'm also in Sports Nite for the next few weeks, which has a TON of my friends in it, which will be pretty exciting. Also, Greta is on Orange and I'm on Black, so let the best team win :-). When Sports Nite is over, I have health AND swimming with Heather. I anticipate we will sign up for exactly the same units (such as badminton, yoga, etc) because after all, she is my best friend. 

I'm thrilled with my Advanced Placement Language and Composition course because I feel like traditional honors English wasn't nurturing my love for the actual subject essentially. There is a set outline and course description of what must take place, and the majority of it is the same old generic sentence compositions and vocabulary tests. It really makes me start to detest reading because we're usually forced to analyze every single paragraph in a novel with annotations. I don't believe the author wrote his or her novel with that in mind, because I really thought reading was about opening your mind, not containing it to "OH, THIS SENTENCE HAS A COMMA SO IT'S A COMPOUND SENTENCE." In AP Lang I really feel like we are studying the essence of English in all of it's (usually masked) beauty. I hope the rigorous coursework doesn't turn me off from what seems to be my most favorite class I've ever taken. Ever.

In Understanding Children 1 & 2, an assignment was to make a poster defining us. Not so much of the usual favorites such as music, activities, etc, but focusing more on values, morals, and who WE are. Not what defines us. Of course the majority of the class did exactly what NOT to do because they are a bunch of shallow unintelligent monkeys that lack intellectuality. The recurring theme seemed to be, "There is the word family because I love my family." That really shattered me. Honestly, I hardly know my parents and they are never around. Unless I go upstairs to their office at like 1 AM, I probably won't see them all day for multiple days at a time. When I do see them, they don't ask about my life or anything. Basically, I only speak to my parents when I need money for something. And they give it. And they're trying to make me happy. And I'm trying to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I know how incredibly lucky I am, and incredibly spoiled. Some of my friends have told me that they wished they had my parents, because then they would get the materialistic things they want without actually having to work for it. I just wish I had some sort of a relationship with my parents. It's almost embarrassing how distant we all are.  Money does not buy happiness, it only suppresses it.